REVIEWS YOUSE CAN YOUSE
 ~ Sometime in January
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I don't know about you but most of the reviews I read really suck. They're
all written by blowhards with thesaurses who think they're smarter than
I am. I hate those jerks! Would'nt it be cool if someone wrote a review
in plain english? Reviews that actualy tell you something? Reviews you
could use? Well,calm down,Chumley,someone has.
We here at Toxic Media are fans and comsumers of music,movies,television,
and the like just like you. In fact,some of us would no doubt keel over
and pack it in without that stuff in our dreary little worlds. (I know
of at least two of us who teeter on the edge of murder when the T.V. Guide
is missing but that's another story). "Yeah,sure.",you say,"What
the Sam Hill does that have to do with me?". Lots! ToxicTypes are
here to help. And help they will. If you want us to or not.
Read on,McDuff...
- delany
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This mutha’s got it all! The dad guy from Punky Brewster gets the back of his head blown off by a machine gun toting biplane at a picnic so Slaughter (Jim Brown) does what he gotta do. Brock Perters is the yelling cop (ain’t there always a yelling cop?) and stuff starts rolling from there. Ed McMahon stars as "The Man" with real bad hair, real bad 70’s clothing, and a big ol’ double chin. Throw in a flashy pimp, some white trash guys, a buncha babes (both black and white), and The Scatman and we be talking MOOVEE, Jack! Rent this bad ass now and be the first on your block to quote some authentic Blaxplotation slang. You know you wanna, Dr. Shrink! And, hey! If you’re in the mood for a double feature be sure to pick up "Black Belt Jones" and a bottle of Night Train. You won’t be sorry.
R.N. Radcliffe
Hey! I loved this movie! What? Am I alone on this? It's funny, the soundtrack rocks, and Janeane's in it (Tom Waits too). What more could you want from a movie? Okay, I'm fully aware that it's no "Night of the Lepus" or anything but what is? Bill Macy? Paul Reubens? Eddie Izzard's in it for crying out loud! Don't make me slap yer ass around, kids. Just rent the movie and swing with it. (your eyelids are getting heavy ...so very heavy...you will do all I say ...sleep... sleep ...sleep ...at the count of three you will go to your local vid store and rent Mystery Men...you have no control...you must do what I tell you ...one ...two ...three ...awake. Now, isn't there somewhere that you have to go?).
delany
What the fug is this? Some German guy made a surrealist/minimalist/social symbolism/pre-David Lynchian/pseudo-comedy back in 1969 starring a cast of dwarfs…I swear. It’s a weird one, man. Far too weird for me to handle. If you figure it out give me a call. Please?
T. Wrecked
I like this stuff. Not as much as beer or Dr. Pepper but on a hot day it will do the trick in a pinch. Wonko says that without water there wouldn’t be any life on planet Earth. No life on planet Earth? Does that mean that Melissa Joan Hart would be dead? FUCK THAT! I’m gonna buy cases of this shit just to be sure and I urge you to do the same. No Melissa Joan Hart…I shudder at the thought. Brrrrrrrrrrr!
R.B. Armstrong
Sometimes I’m all alone in trhe booth on a Friday nite and around about 8:00 or nine oclock I watch the Sabrina show on my little t.v. It’s part of TGIF on ABC. Even tho I don’t find it very funny it’s packed with cool looking chicks. Zelda and that thin aunt are reely fine looking chicks man. I wouldn’t mind being trapped on a desert iland with them to babes! Man o man! That teacher who used to be on Saturday Night Live is pretty hot to. Besides Armstrong has it bad for the Sabrina girl and h’s kind of cool too. I mean for a guy hes cool. I sure don’t want to be stuck on a iland with him! I like girls you know? Like that topanga chick on Boy Meets World…shes hot man! The redhed and the black chick to. Oh and marky Post, shes on that boy in a hous full of girls show. Shes still good looking. Wow! I guess I just like TGIF huh. Ha ha.
Loxley Mendoza
This is a videotape of some college girls fully drunk and on Spring Break showing off their hoots, butts and other stuff. Some of them are totally hot and even though I love this stuff (a lot) I’ve got one thing to say about it: I AM NEVER HAVING KIDS! EVER! IF I SAW MY DAUGHTER NAKED AND DRY HUMPING SOME GUY ON A STAGE IN A BAR SOMEWHERE I’D GO OUT OF MY MIND! SHIT! IF I EVEN KNEW ONE OF THESE CHICKS I’D GO OUT OF MY MIND! LOOK, IF YOU’RE GONNA GO TO COLLEGE AND YOU KNOW ME AND YOU GO TO SPRING BREAK AND GET DRUNK KEEP YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON!!! I’M BEGGING YOU!!! MY HEAD WOULD EXPLODE AND I’D KILL PEOPLE!!! TRUST ME ON THIS!!! I HAVEN’T LIED TO YOU YET!!! GEEZUS!!! I DON’T WANNA MENTION ANY NAMES HERE BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOU KNOW I’D GO INSANE! (Of course, if you’d like to make me a private video with only you in it that would be okay. Still pictures too. Well…you could do one with that blonde friend of yours if you’d like as well. You know the one I mean? The full on babe? Yeah, her! Or the other one. She’s a cutie, man.).
A Concerned Fan of Drunk and Naked College Girls
This is like some kind of black and white Woody Allen movie shot with a hand cam and without Woody in it but some guy from Pluto or something. I liked it a lot but I didn’t understand a goddamn thing. You should see it as it’s great and the guy from Pluto is amazing and very funny but I wouldn’t want to know the dude. Okay, delany. I wrote a review. Can I go home now?
Teen
Four stars! Simply one of the best bad science fiction movies I have ever seen in my whole life. Told as a series of flashbacks, this is the story of a rocket that lands on the planet Mars. The astronauts go out and look around, see a lot of weird shit, and then go home. That’s about it really. The exterior shots are tinted some weird kind of posterized red color. The monster in it is a cross between a bat, a rat, a spider, and a crab. The end title is one of the coolest fake surf tunes your ever gonna hear. What more do you need? Is this slice of Velveeta a classic? Hugh Betcha! If you’re into drinking and/or drugs, and I’m not saying you should be, this might be the movie for you. Give it a shot.
R.B. Armstrong
Although the end credits mentions that one of the tunes on the soundtrack is from "Night of the Lepus" I must confess that I couldn’t really get into this movie. In fact I liked it much better the first time I saw it. When it was called "Jesus Christ, Superstar". The "there is no spoon" thing is pretty cool but the technology looks like "Brazil" and the "real world" stuff looks like "Alien". I’ve already seen that stuff too.
R.B. Armstrong
JOHNNY MNUMONIC
(or: "MNUMOMIK" or: "MUMNONICH" or: "WHATEVER")
This movie sucked. Sucked bad. Ted (of "Bill and Ted" fame) plays this guy with a 'puter thing in his head. Some other guys put a bunch of stuff in the 'puter thing and everybody wants to get it out. Christ (of "The Bible" fame) shows up as a maniac killer guy and the whole plot revolves around a fake dolphin with an exo-cyber-crapola suit on. I don't know about you but I don't want to see another dolphin in a movie again unless it's on fire. The big question I had leaving the theatre was: "Could this movie possibly be more pretentious?". The answer would have to be yes but I can't imagine how. Do yourself a favor and rent something instead of this...like something with actors and a plot and stuff like that. OOPS! Almost forgot...Henry Rollins is in it too. He's great but there's not enough of him to save this bomb-ola. Hey! I know...rent "The Chase". Henry's in that too and it has the extra advantage of not being a lousy film. Trust me.
D. Lamma
TEN MOVIES YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN BY NOW
- 1) The President's Analyst
- 2) Brazil
- 3) Bedazzled
- 4) Harold and Maude
- 5) Annie Hall
- 6) The Hudsucker Proxy
- 7) Life Of Brian
- 8) Soylent Green
- 9) Silent Running
- 10) Demolition Man
Each of the above titles have one thing in common, they are all about something. From relationships ( Harold and Maude, Annie Hall ) to the end of the world ( Soylent Green, Silent Running ). From corporate workings ( Hudsucker Proxy, Brazil ) to the workings of God ( Bedazzled, Life Of Brian ). The one thing they are not is boring. Do yourself a favor and give them a chance. You just might thank me.
F. Baxter
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE
I first saw "Plan 9" in high school. This was around 1971 or so and in those days high school meant exactly that,at least it did at my school. One night I smoked a big fat bomber and saw the movie. I had no idea what it was (or who Ed Wood was,for that matter) but,as a young and hungry science fiction and horror fiend I thought I'd check it out based on the title alone. I could'nt believe it. It was the sloppiest and downright lamest thing I'd ever seen. I laughed my ass off. I loved it and it was my favorite movie. It would replay every six months or so and I'd see it every chance I got, often making friends and people at parties sit through it as well. There was no two ways about it,you either loved it or hated it. Most hated it. That was their loss as far as I was concerned. I was hooked and the most amazing thing was that it got better each time I saw it. Cut to: years later. Nowadays it seems that everybody loves it and it has reached the height of cultdom. Books,magazine articles,and a comic book all sing the prases of what has been called "The Worst Movie Of All Time". But is it really the worst? I don't think so. Have you ever seen "Gone With The Wind"? "Mrs. Doubtfire"? How about "Pretty Woman"? Those are some bad movies,pal. I mean,look,at least "Plan 9" has a message: "Stop playing around with weapons or we'll come back and whack your whole damn planet!". Pretty heavy stuff. Sure. I know. Robert Wise said the same thing in the film "Day The Earth Stood Still" and he said it better too. We all know that. But here's a little factoid we all don't know: the reason the aliens come to earth in "Plan 9" is to stop us from discovering Solaronite,particles of sunlight so small they can't be measured. If we create a Solaronite bomb it will blow up the sun and then follow the sunlight,blowing up everything it touches thereby blowing up the whole universe. Now,there's no such thing as Solaronite but there are neutrinos,teeny tiny particles of sunlight. If a neutrino bomb were created and set off would the sunlight explode setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the universe? I'm no scientist but it sure seems that way to me. And what about Ed Wood? Did he "discover" neutrinos long before whoever is credited with the discovery only to pick a really stupid name for them and use them in what has been called "The Worst Movie Of All Time? As Criswell said,"Can you prove it did'nt happen?". I'm telling you right now: this movie is great! Rent and watch it over and over again. Make your friends watch with you. Give it away as gifts. Take over your local television station and run it on the air constantly. State in your will that nobody gets a damn thing unless they watch it every day. Sacrifice small woodland creatures in honor of this masterpiece. Love it. Worship it. Live for it. Become it's willing thrall.
delany
THE BEATLES
Only the best band there ever was. Trust me.
D. Lamma
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS
Now we're talking movie! Giant bunny rabbits come out of a cave somewhere and attack a small town! I swear! What's even more amazing is what went on behind the scenes. If you think about it, some guy wrote the screenplay then some other guy said,"Wow! This is gonna be great!", then somebody else said, "Yeah! Let's shoot this!", then a bunch of actors said,"Okay! I'd love to be in this!", then some guy said, "Sure! I'll direct it!", and some producer said,"Alright! We'll pay for it!", and then lighting people and camera men and costume designers and craft service folk and drivers and stunt men and whoever else it takes to make a movie all banded their talents together and cranked this mofo out! I've got a vampire movie I can't get made and these clowns made a movie about giant bunny rabbits! I swear this is a real movie and I swear you won't be able to handle it. It's that weird. Rent it, take it home, get drunk, press play, and scratch your head in disbelief. I did.
R.B. Armstrong
RE-ANIMATOR
What can I say about my favorite horror movie? Not nearly enough. Let me tell you some of what to expect from this classic of gore. Herbert West is doing research on bringing the dead back to life. His mentor, Dr. Gruber, dies so Herbert injects him with a glowing green chemical. Dr. Gruber shudders, screams, and then his eyes explode. All of this happens in the first five minutes of the movie! Herbert then moves to ol' Miskatonic University and then things get weird. Really weird. Hands down this sumbitch has some of the sickest stuff I have ever seen in my whole life. A dead cat attacks Herbert so he fixes it's wagon with a baseball bat. The bad guy jacks with Herbert so he cuts his head off with a shovel and brings the head and body back to life only to have the body walk around carrying the head. A re-animated dead guy is ran through with a bone saw. This movie does not let up! There's more but I don't want to spoil it for you. Let me put it this way, if you like horror movies and movies where folks die in strange and bloody ways this is the movie for you. Just be sure to eat well in advance or you just may blow it all over the t.v. I'm not kidding, dear reader, it's a tough ride. And if you feel real ballsy be sure to pick up the sequel "Bride Of Re-animator". Double features were never like this!
R.N. Radcliffe
BEER
Have you heard of this stuff? This stuff is wonderful! It comes in cans and bottles in many different sizes and all you have to do is drink it. It's just that easy. After drinking it you start to feel really good. Then you feel really really good. Then really really really good. Then you vomit and don't remember the part where you felt really really really good. There must be a point where you don't puke but I keep passing it. Some friends have told me they've had sex while having done some of this. I'd love to do that sometime and after I do I'll tell you all about it. Beer. Try some today.
F. Pitz
COLIN'S SLEEZY FRIENDS
Man,oh,man! You prob'ly cant get this show unless you live in L.A. as it's on public access channel 3 but if you do happen to live here you should catch this out at all costs. It's on Wednesdays at Midnight. Two guys talk to women who make porno movies for about 27 minutes then the chicks dance around and flash themselves. Without underwear. That's all there is to it. I'm taping these before somebody's mom catches wind of it and complains loud enough to get it yanked off the air. You should doubtless do the same. Your girlfriend is going to hate it but then, most of them don't like tractor pulls either. Ho hum. ( Fred says;"Try it with beer!". But he's been saying that a lot lately.)
R.N. Radcliffe
CLASSIC ROCK ( ON THE RADIO )
I HATE THIS STUFF!! WHAT KIND OF A DIPSTICK NEEDS SOME JERK AT A RADIO STATION TO TELL THEM WHEN TO LISTEN TO " WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN "? I LOVE THAT SONG AND LISTEN TO IT EVERY FOUR YEARS BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THOSE YUPPIE SCUMBAG BRAINLESS CLONE PUPPET PEOPLE WHO DRIVE AROUND IN A BMW SINGING ALONG TO " ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE " WITH A CELLUAR PHONE IN ONE HAND AND A STARBUCKS COFFEE IN THE OTHER? THOSE LAMEOS SHOULD ROLL UP THEIR WINDOWS AND PAY EVEN LESS ATTENTION TO THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF THEIR LOUSY TROPHY CARS BEFORE REALITY SLAPS THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM! HEY! I KNOW! KILL THEM! KILL THEM NOW AND I'LL HAVE A REASON TO LIVE! DIE, MUD PUPPIES! DIE! DIE!! DIE!!!
T. WRECKED
THE O.J. TRIAL
Yeah,right... How stupid do they think we are?
delany
KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE
Food of the gods,people. What else do you have to know? You boil the noodles,drain 'em,throw in some butter,and a little milk and "You be eating in style". Toss in a drained can of green beans and Shake and Bake some boneless chicken breasts and you'll be looking at the business end of one of the most popular plate of eats served at the Toxic Factory. Guests will be sleeping on your porch waiting for the next feeding. It's 2.1 courses of pure bliss and,if you line the baking pan with aluminum foil clean up is a breeze. Girls, suprise your hubby with this e-z dinner and then watch his face light up like a house a fire. Mac 'n' Cheese and chicken, it's the taste sensation that's sweeping the nation. (Fred says,"Try it with beer!". And in this case I'd have to agree.)
R. Freeman
Toxic Chef
TORI AMOS
(Note: The following review has been written using the new Toxic Media Hypno-Personal-Sublim-Encode-Crypto Program (copyright Toxic Media 1995, pat pend) and,therefore,can only be fully understood by Tori Amos herself. Anyone else who reads it will get a big headache and fall to the floor screaming in pain and bleeding from the ears. If you're not Tori Amos do not attempt to read this review. You have been warned.) Bkhytmk mjgedr okrniu totaly hot kijuy ngrfdeswaqw poioprew slow beautiful sex bkghvfr mkj oxl trewsd. Dewhsr kmjliounhgtfy hands moving slowly mjkhn mjkhgt ghyt grdhm soft lips nhjuy g french kisses. Dgfr mjkuyt bhtgh erect frwrayt mkjiutdffvv all night long arjt whopjuy foreplay nhbgft with Bosco syrup. Bhgyhjkui red hair,mkjulkjoiuy:"ERBVGFDC MNJHYERW LOPLKH!" over and over again. Vfgt mutliple orgasms mjnhgfr mkjuhyt rubber duck lkoioyull on satin sheets. Mkjiu bhgfre more sex mjkihy creamy white breasts,mkljiu ksq nipples mjkhyt stroking rtyghrb. Nnhbgfdcv cook chicken and mjkhuy nhbgft nbhgvf our happy home. Nhbgfty mjnhgbj ewmdse cigarette and a nap jhuyt kj nhbgvfnm,hygtffr mkj nhbgy! Nhgytrde vwgft in the morning swqasxdse unless you're gay.
T. Efmboz
FIRE
Arrrgggghhhhh! Fire bad!
F.N. Stein
SMOKE
Uuuuuummmmmmm! Smoke good!
F.N. Stein
MST 3K
What? You don't know about this yet? Where have you been living? In some cave? Imagine sitting around with Sean and Paul and I making fun of a really crappy old movie. It's a lot like that only they do it for you. Then again,you don't know Sean and Paul and I so this whole review makes no sense to you at all. Aw,shit! I try to help you out and you throw it back in my face! You suck,man! See if I ever do anything for you again! I don't have to take this,you know? I can always go back to my room and brood. In fact,that's just what I'm going to do. Don't watch this show. Have no idea what people are talking about at those fancy parties that I never get invited to. Drink and eat and dance and schmooze without me. It's okay by me. Really. I'll go sit around all by myself and pet my cat. See if I give a rat's ass about you and your trendy friends. Just wait. You'll get yours,cool guy,just mark my words! One day I'll be pulling in the big bucks and you'll come crawling just to catch a crumb that I toss out the window. And you know what? I ain't gonna give you the time o' day. Eat me,alright? Just open wide and eat me! You no good,simplistic,self serving,scumbag,back stabbing,heartless,son of a bitch,jerk bait,low life,pinhead,ice in the veins,art nazi,loser!
R.B. Armstrong
(with help from T. WRECKED)
OINGO BOINGO
"The Boingos are breaking up...I don't believe it...first the Ramones and now the Boingos...life has lost all meaning...oh,well...Kate Bush should have an album out in the next four years or so...God...I really miss Devo ...and The Buggles...and The Tubes...and Wall of Voodoo...and The Police ...and Sparks....what? Sparks has a new album out? 10 CC does too? I'll talk to you later. I have to hit a record store. Huh? Oh,okay. A CD store then...see ya...
R. Freeman's latest phone message
THEND!
More to come!
