What's your life going to be like for the next four months? Find out now! It's the Toxic Media Horoscopes!
ARIES ( March 21-April 19) Cool sailing ahead when your landlord falls off a waterslide and your boss chokes to death on a bottle cap all in the same week! Too bad for that Leo friend who should've looked both ways before crossing but,hey! It's not your fault he/she had his/her Walkman on too loud. Stay away from people named "Skuzzmeister". They mean you ill will...
TAURUS ( April 20-May 20 ) Hey, you bastard! You'd better pay me back that ten spot I loaned you last month and I ain't kidding around this time! What? What did you call me? YOU'D BEST WATCH YOUR MOUTH OR I'LL KICK THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOU! HUH! YOU THINK I'M BLUFFING? C'MERE YOU LITTLE PUNK, I'LL CRACK YOUR ASS THE OTHER WAY! WHY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE WE HAD RESPECT FOR OUR ELDERS! WHAT WAS THAT??!! I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!! Yeah. That's what I thought you'd say...
GEMINI ( May 21-June 20 ) Lucky lucky you!!! Naked women are going to be throwing themselves at you from all sides! Tall ones, short ones, blonde ones, red ones, fat ones, thin ones. At home. At work. At play. YEE HAW! You're gonna have wild and steamy stories to tell for the rest of your life!!! YEAH, BUDDY!!! ( unless you're gay...I mean, you'll still have stories to tell but you're not going to enjoy it too much. You'll be at a party or whatever and you'll tell your friends and they'll say," Yeeecch! You poor thing!" , and you'll all feel kinda queesy and weird talking about it...Oh, wait! It'll suck pretty bad if you're a woman too! How great is it going to be if naked woman are throwing themselves at you and you already are one? You don't need stuff like that in your life...all you have to do is look in a mirror and you'll see all the naked women you'd ever want to see...unless you're a gay woman, then you might actually have a pretty cool time if...oh, never mind...)...
CANCER ( June 21-July 22 ) Cancer? You have cancer? Wow, what a bummer! If I was you I'd start drinking right now. Scotch, gin, Olde English, Cisco, vodka, whiskey, rum, anything I could get my hands on! Speaking of rum, have you ever had a Hungry Brain? No? Well..here's how to make one: Take a 16 ounce bottle of Cactus Cooler, open it, and take a nice sized chug ( not bad, hmmm? ). Then take a bottle of Captain Morgan's and fill in the space created by what you just drank. Squeeze in a little juice from one of those plastic limes they have at your friendly neighborhood supermarket. Replace the cap on the soda and gently agitate ( not so hard that the soda will spray out when you re-open it ). Re-open it and drink, relax, repeat until you feel better. G'wan! You deserve it! ( note: the Hungry Brain was invented by Skeetz Delany and the first toast should always be to him)...
LEO ( July 23-Aug. 22 ) Remember that guy you knew in high school? You know, the one who ate all those strange foods and did his homework in red ink? Remember that party you went to at Debbie Wilson's house, that summer when her parents went to europe? Remember how you and Stevie and Fat Dave and Stoner locked that geek in the closet and then went down to the basement to play post office with the Krelman sisters and you guys forgot all about him and did'nt let him out until morning and he was crying and sobbing and he swore he'd get revenge on all of you, no matter how long it took? Well...guess what? Four years ago he killed the Krelman sisters with a ratchet set and then he raped their corpses. He was arrested but got off on a technicality and two months later they found Stevie and Fat Dave at the bottom of a well but their penises were missing and nobody has any idea what happened to Stoner. Guess what else? That's right, pally boy...you're next...
VIRGO ( Aug. 23-Sept. 22 ) Oh, man...don't ask...
LIBRA ( Sept. 23-Oct. 22 ) Take the number 4 bus all the way to Woodside Avenue. Once there transfer to the 567 going south. Get off at the corner of Tahoe and Burrillam and take a cab to The Fillaport Theatre. Buy a ticket and walk through the theatre and out the east exit. Continue east until you see a billboard that says," WZIT-WE PLAY ALL THE HITS!". Bend over and there, under a Abba-Zabba wrapper you will find your fortune. Sure, it's only a quarter but what do you want from me?
SCORPIO ( Oct. 23-Nov. 21 ) When Mars enters your House of Love on or near the...Hey! Wait a minute, what am I telling you for? You don't believe in horoscopes! You're a Scorpio! I hate Scorpios! Running around having sex and flaunting that "hornier than thou" attitude all the time! Kiss my butt you skagged out pinheads! What? Do I work for you or something? Why don't you go read Sidney Omar you cocksure, no good, bravado filled morons??!!?? You know, I've got a friend named Stan. He's a Scorpio and the next time I see him I'm going to stick my fist in his stinking face!!! Scorpios? Don't get me started...
SAGITTAURUS...SAGATERRIOUS...SAGATERYIOUS...SAGATERRYUS...SAGEYTORYIOUS... SAGGATERRIOUIOUS...SAGATOMINOS... AW, FUCK IT!!!!!!!
CAPRICORN ( Dec. 22-Jan. 19 ) Bad news on the 23rd when the Earth cracks open and hordes of mole people come crawling out. Don your superhero cape and battle it out with these demons from the neither world. The fate of the universe as we know it lies in the balance and you, yes, only you can save us from this cruel fate. Don't forget to use the Apex Rod of the Holy Gasteroxious or there will be no way to vanquish these deadly foes and thwart their horrid plan of domination, slavery, and all around bad vibes. On second thought, have a beer and a Twinkie...see if I care...
AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20-Feb. 18 ) On Wednesday be careful of food poisoning during meals. Your insides will feel as if balls of lava are doing the Hot Lunch number featured in the movie Fame. Blood will shoot from every opening in your body ( even the ones that you can't talk about with friends and family members ). You won't die, at least not right away, but you'll want to when all of your hair falls out of your head during an importent business meeting. " Which Wednesday? ", you ask...gee...I don't remember. But I'll bet you think twice the next time you want to cut someone off on the freeway, eh, Speed Racer?
PISCES ( Feb. 19-March 20 ) Sheesh! It's so complicated and pointless to explain I'm not even going to try. Read all of the above and pick the one you like the most ( bet you choose the one with the drink recipe, fishboy! ). Your lucky number is 9094500726381009 and your lucky color is Clear....
And, on that cheery note...this is the TOXIC ASTROLOGER saying, " TIL NEXT TIME MAY THE LAST TIME BE THE FIRST TIME THAT THE WRONG TIME WAS THE WORST TIME AND THE BEST TIME BE A GOOD TIME ON THE ONE TIME IN GREENWICH MEAN TIME WIND YOUR WATCH TIME AGAIN. "...
